My Dad...

I'm writing this post because I feel driven to do this. I want to say how much love and respect I have for my father. He always provided for the family as I was growing up. I remember him being there for our soccer games and taking us to and from practices. He spent a fair share of time on the road away from us, but I hold no resentment in my heart for that. He did what he had to for work and an honest income to provide for his wife and children. He spent time raising us the best way he knew how. You may say at this point, 'aw, I see, he's doing a tribute.' But, I don't as yet have a personal motive behind this, nor do I know where this will lead. I simply feel prompted by the spirit to write some of my thoughts down. I have been thinking a lot about my father recently, largely due to his condition. I have been reflecting on my life with him, and my siblings' experiences with him as well. I feel so grateful to have him visit, even if only for a short time, last year. It was a positive experience. We have never been close emotionally, as reflected in our conversations about everything computer and politics-related, but nothing emotionally deep, self-reflection, or lending to spontaneous physical affection in the form of a nudge or hug (those things always felt mildly awkward and forced when I initiated them). He mainly shared his experiences and memories from earlier in his life, and offered advice based off of these experiences as he felt prompted. As I have grown and been nurtured in the gospel and the priesthood, I have had the privilege of rubbing shoulders with several mentor-like leaders who have connected with me on the spiritual and emotional level and consequently have provided me rich spiritual experiences. I have also felt the loving embrace of a kind Heavenly Father through prayer and the influence of the spirit. I really wish I could have had that with my earthly father. Yet, how easy it would be to dwell on what I didn't have in our relationship and consequently miss out on the blessing of having a father that was there and that I had a relationship with, who showed love in his own way, and I really felt he cared but that he may not have known how to show this to us in a way that we looked for love. The divorce only grew this divide between us and him, both geographically and emotionally. Several of us tried to reconnect with him after some time, with widely varying degrees of success. Some of these only increased heartbreak, some left an emotionally tepid feeling, and others felt some benefit. My father was always big into scouting and involved in the troops. He tried his best to be in our lives growing up, and I love him for that, even if that were the only contribution. More to come later...